Good marriages do not neglect the individual
By TARA PARKER-POPE
THE NEW YORK TIMES
A lasting marriage does not always signal a happy marriage. Plenty of miserable couples have stayed together for children, religion or other practical reasons. But for many couples, it's just not enough to stay together. They want a relationship that is meaningful and satisfying. In short, they want a sustainable marriage.
一段持久的婚姻未必是快樂的。太多同床異夢的怨偶是因為孩子、宗教或這現實生活的考量勉強還湊在一塊 兒。多數人在婚姻中所期待的不只是一段為期甚長的婚姻關係，他們希望在婚姻中得找到有意義，且令人滿足的關係。簡而言之，就是一段可長可久，且滿足踏實的婚姻關係。
以下略翻
"The things that make a marriage last have more to do with communication skills, mental health, social support, stress - those are the things that allow it to last or not," says Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. "But those things don't necessarily make it meaningful or enjoyable or sustaining to the individual."
婚姻關係能長久維持的關鍵不在於溝通技巧，心理健康，社會支持，壓力...等。以婚姻關係中的個人的角度來說，這些因素不會讓婚姻成為悅人且可長可久的。
The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn't marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first?
有個思維看似反傳統也反直覺--良好的婚姻關鍵在於帶給婚姻中的個人充分的滿足。婚姻不是應當要把相互關係看得比個人更重要嗎?
Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself. But in modern relationships, people are looking for a partnership, and they want partners who make their lives more interesting.
好幾個世紀以來，婚姻中的結合，都是以社會或經濟的角度來考量的。情緒和理智上的需求，其實是不被重視的。但現代人在婚姻中尋求的是伴侶關係，所尋找的是可以讓自己的生命更有趣(自己覺得更有意義)的伴侶。
Caryl Rusbult, a researcher at Vrije University in Amsterdam who died last January, called it the "Michelangelo effect," referring to the manner in which close partners "sculpt" each other in ways that help them attain goals.
這種現象被稱為米開朗基羅效應(Caryl Rusbult)，伴侶關係中的兩個人，會彼此將對方雕刻、塑造成能夠協助自己達成人生目標的某種樣式。
Dr. Aron and Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor at Monmouth University in New Jersey, have studied how individuals use a relationship to accumulate knowledge and experiences, a process they call "selfexpansion." Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience, the more satisfied they are in the relationship.
Aron和Lewandowski兩位教授研究個人如何利用人際關係來增加自己的知識或經驗，他們稱此為自我擴展。一段關係可以讓人更愉悅，如果個人在這段關係中的自我擴展得到滿足的話。
Dr. Lewandowski developed a series of questions: How much has being with your partner resulted in your learning new things? How much has knowing your partner made you a better person?
Self-expansion can lead to more sustainable relationships, Dr. Lewandowski says.
"If you're seeking self-growth and obtain it from your partner, then that puts your partner in a pretty important position," he explains. "And being able to help your partner's self-expansion would be pretty pleasing to yourself."
如果你的自我成長是來自於伴侶的啟發，那麼你很自然會將伴侶放在很重要的心理位置，同樣的，能夠藉自己來讓伴侶得到啟發，自己也能得到相當的快樂。(一種互惠、互相建立的關係)
The concept explains why people are delighted when dates treat them to new experiences. Individuals grow with their partners' help in big and small ways. It happens when they introduce new friends, or casually talk about a new restaurant or a story in the news.
透過伴侶而認識的新朋友、或是偶然間的閒聊，一家新開的餐廳或是有趣的故事都有可能會有啟發的作用。
The effect of self-expansion is particularly pronounced when people first fall in love. In research at the University of California at Santa Cruz, 325 undergraduate students were given questionnaires five times over 10 weeks. They were asked, "Who are you today?" and given three minutes to describe themselves.
They were also asked about recent experiences, including whether they had fallen in love.
After students reported falling in love, they used more varied words in their self-descriptions. The new relationships had broadened the way they looked at themselves. "You go from being a stranger to including this person in the self, so you suddenly have all of these social roles and identities you didn't have before," explains Dr. Aron, an author of the research. "It's very exhilarating."
一份研究指出在戀愛關係中的人，傾向會用更多的、更豐富的詞彙來描述自己。原因事因為自我的認識，透過對方而得到擴展。Aron教授說：「從對方僅僅是位陌生人，到要接受對方成為自我的一部分，這個過程突然間擴展了自我在社群中的角色定位以及對自我身分的認識。」
The personal gains from lasting relationships are often subtle. Having a partner who is funny or creative adds something new to someone who isn't. A partner who is a community volunteer creates social opportunities for a spouse who spends long hours at work.
Additional research suggests that spouses eventually adopt the traits of the other - and become slower to distinguish differences between them, or slower to remember which skills belong to which spouse.
另一份研究指出，伴侶關係中的兩個人常常不知不覺的染上了對方的習慣，漸漸的兩個人在個性上的差異性就不再那麼明顯可分。
It's not that these couples lost themselves in the marriage; instead, they grew in it. Activities, traits and behaviors that had not been part of their identity before the relationship were now an essential part of how they experienced life.
這樣的結果不是因為個人在婚姻關係中喪失了自我，反而兩個人的自我都因此成長了。從事的活動、個性、行為本來是各有其主，直到進入婚姻關係後，這些因素變成了雙方共同經歷生活的基礎與共識。
All of this can be highly predictive for a couple's happiness. One scale designed by Dr. Aron and colleagues depicts seven pairs of circles. The first set is side by side. With each new set, the circles begin to overlap until they are nearly on top of each other. Couples choose the set that best represents their relationship.
婚姻中兩人的快樂程度和兩人的自我有沒有高度重疊很有相關。Aron教授的問卷中有七組圓圈：從兩兩不相交，一直到兩個圓相互交疊，甚至幾乎完全重疊。受試者需要在這七組圖中來選擇一組圖來代表他們伴侶關係的程度。
People bored in their marriages were more likely to choose the more separate circles. Partners involved in novel and interesting experiences together were more likely to pick one of the overlapping circles and less likely to report boredom. "People have a fundamental motivation to improve the self and add to who they are as a person," Dr. Lewandowski says. "If your partner is helping you become a better person, you become happier and more satisfied in the relationship."
對婚姻厭煩的，就會選擇越分離的兩個圓。彼此影響，常接觸新奇事物的伴侶，則鮮少抱怨婚姻中有索然無味的情況。「如果你的伴侶讓你變成一個better person，那婚姻關係中所得到的滿足和喜樂就會更多。」(Lewandowski)。
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